One Way to Repair Relationships

Conflict between loved ones isn’t always the problem. Oftentimes, the problem is the way conflict gets repaired. Even in emotionally secure relationships, people can say mean things that they later on regret, get critical and defensive, or engage in stone-walling and avoidance. The goal of repair in relationships can be to understand what led to the problem and to take effective action so that trust can be restored, and maybe even increased. Of course, effective repair in relationships doesn’t always lead to success, it depends on the other person’s ability to hear it and receive it.

 One way to improve repair in relationships when you’ve done something that hurts someone else is to use correction-overcorrection. This can also be helpful if you are struggling with feelings of shame, guilt, and regret for having done something that negatively impacted someone else. 

The practice of correction-overcorrection is to engage in a new behaviour that both corrects and overcorrects the hurtful effects of the behaviour that led to the problem. The key is to clearly identify what harm was actually done. Have you ever had an experience where you thought you knew what your loved one was mad or upset about and it turns out that it was something completely different? 

Let’s take an example where you are repeatedly late when showing up to important events in your loved one’s life. To correct the behaviour, you would need to take the required steps to start showing up on time for events- whatever those might be. To overcorrect the behaviour, you would make sure you are showing up on time but then you would go a step further. This might mean showing up on time along with a baked good or coffee, showing up early, or sending them a message to let them know when you are 5 minutes away so they are not left wondering.

All humans (and even some animals) are influenced by the outcomes of their behaviour. Behaviours that are rewarded are more likely to continue and behaviours that have negative consequences follow are likely to go down over time and stop. Part of what can make correction-overcorrection effective is that it requires you to put in additional effort (a negative consequence), and this can help reduce your lateness.  If positive effects happen in your relationship as a result of correction-overcorrection, this might reinforce your desired behaviour of showing up on time !

A bit about the author

Melanie Adamsons is a Registered Clinical Counsellor at Latitude Counselling, and specializes in DBT, CBT and client-centred therapy.