Recovering from Invalidation
Emotional invalidation occurs when your internal experiences (such as your thoughts, feelings and behaviours) are ignored (e.g., “I’ve been through something similar. Let me tell you all about it”), judged (e.g.,” you’re overreacting and being too emotional”), minimized (e.g. “other people have it worse”), or said to be unreasonable. This is not an exhaustive list as there are many ways for one’s experiences to be invalidated through words and actions.
Invalidation can be exquisitely painful to experience, especially when it’s ongoing or occurring in close relationships.
Regardless of the other person’s intentions, invalidation can lead to people not feeling worthy of support, to doubt their own experiences, to feel alone, and to judge their own emotions and thoughts.
There is a difference between harmful and helpful invalidation.
One thing to remember is that invalidation can be both painful and useful when your facts of the situation might be based on inaccurate or incorrect information OR when you haven’t considered another person’s view.
Let’s take an example where you are feeling really angry with a friend who hasn’t been in touch recently because you think they don’t care about you. If your friend gives you corrective feedback in a kind and respectful way to let you know that your facts are wrong (i.e., they have been busy and still care about you), this may be important and help you feel differently.
Finding ways to recover from invalidation is essential. Here are a few ideas to help you (based on Marsha Linehan’s DBT skills training manual).
Check the facts - do you have all of the correct facts or are you assuming a threat? Or making judgments or interpretations based on minimal information? It might be helpful to try and check the facts when you are feeling less emotional so you can approach this in a non-defensive way. You can also check the facts with someone that you trust and find supportive.
Acknowledge and try to change your response if your response was based on incorrect facts or was ineffective - Admit this to yourself or others and work on changing your feelings, thoughts, behaviours. It’s especially important to remind yourself that all behaviour is caused and to validate that there are still valid reasons for your response. What would you say to a loved one?
Acknowledge that your response was based on correct facts or was effective - describe to yourself and/or supportive others how your response was reasonable and fit the situation.
Don’t suppress the pain associated with being invalidated- give yourself permission to experience your own feelings and thoughts when doing so won’t lead to further problems.
Invalidation is painful enough but there are ways to recover from it so it’s not made worse from self-invalidation.
A bit about the author
Melanie Adamsons is a Registered Clinical Counsellor at Latitude Counselling, and specializes in DBT, CBT and client-centred therapy.