Self-Care: More than just a one-off activity

Self-care; we hear about it all the time. 

Take time for yourself, join that yoga class, binge that Netflix show, indulge in that facial. Figure out what you need and give yourself permission to do so. 

But what is the actual point of self-care? 

When I was studying for my Master’s, there was constant talk about self-care; it was like the buzzword of my program. Not truly knowing what self-care meant, I understood it to mean taking part in an activity that allowed me to take a break from the stressors of the world. Many classmates would share that their self-care routine would involve yoga multiple times per week or going to the gym often and perhaps getting a facial. I'll admit, I felt a sense of self-care shame.

I didn’t have time to go to yoga 4 times a week or the funds to get a facial. For much of my schooling I was working full-time and navigating my life as a new mom, which is really when I needed self-care. It wasn’t until I began to understand the why of self-care that I was able to connect with my own needs and ideas regarding self-care and approach it in a more, well…approachable way. 

I recently listened to a podcast titled “What does it take to really treat ourselves with care?” joined by perinatal psychiatrist, Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, and clinical psychologist Dr. Arianne Miller. The doctors were asked to first define what self-care is, Dr. Lakshmin suggested that is it not a noun, but rather a verb, an “ongoing internal process” with Dr. Miller expressed it as the process of working on ourselves, gaining self-awareness, being kind to ourselves as well as having to make difficult decisions. Both these doctors emphasized that it is not a one-time thing, but a continuation of behaviours that promote wellbeing to our mind, body and soul. 

Let’s back up a bit and start with the why of self-care. Why do we do it? Why is it necessary? We do it to evoke agency, to connect with ourselves, to check in with ourselves and to not only use it as a preventative tool, but also to sustain us. When we practice self-care and prioritize ourselves, we can begin to feel our best and function at our best.

Self-care will look different for every person and so it is important to recognize what one individual will invite into their life as a form self-care may differ from yours. However, the common goal is to create balance in both mind, body and soul. A manicure is wonderful and can make you feel good and de-stress, but self-care doesn’t have to cost you anything; it can be stepping out in nature and being present, smelling the flowers, feeling the warm air on your face and listening to the sounds of the birds chirping or rain falling. The point is that it should ignite meaning and purpose. 

Perhaps when we are in the question phase of what to do for self-care, we can ask ourselves: what makes me feel my best? How can I exert agency in my life? 

I also want to highlight the fact that there are very many inequities of self-care: we don’t all have access to childcare, funds to purchase a facial, or the luxury of time. Some moms work three jobs and are up all night providing for their family. How do these folks then partake in self-care? One suggestion is self-compassion; the way we speak to ourselves matters. Dr. Lakshmin suggests getting curious about your relationship with how you talk to yourself, as well as your thoughts. Speaking more gently and kinder to yourself can truly have a positive impact on your mental well being. 

When I am talking with my clients about setting goals regarding self-care, I often encourage them to take a few things into account. One is that it needs to resonate with them and be their idea, since they are individuals working towards their goal; it must work for them. I also like to discuss the attainability of setting this goal. Start small, start with a space where success is present, which in return will motivate us to continue with the goal. Finally, I think it's important that we think about the motivating factor behind the goal; when we hold the motivation close to us, it can act as a catapult for launching us on the right path. 

I am not sure about you, but sometimes when I am taking care of my needs that icky feeling of guilt shows up, and I do not enjoy it! What can we do when that feeling of guilt creeps in? Get curious with that feeling. Dr. Lakshmin suggests that guilt doesn’t need to be our compass, but if we can learn to look at it as a volume dial and slowly turn it down, we can allow ourselves the space to be free of guilt. I also encourage you to ask yourself this: Am I doing anything wrong by making time to take care of myself? My guess is the answer is no – so let it go. Take a breath, ground yourself, and give yourself permission to take care of your mind, body and soul; however, that may be. 

A few ways that I have invited self-care into my life are:

-saying no to things that do not connect with my values – boundaries are SO important 

-dropping my boys off at daycare a bit earlier so that I can enjoy a quiet cup of hot tea before I start my workday

-asking for and saying yes to help with my kids

-scheduling date nights with my partner, even if it’s a date night at home

-using belly breathing as prevention for when I need it for intervention 

-committing to exercising three times per week (a work in progress!) and moving my body daily

-finally, and perhaps most importantly, reminding myself I am a work in progress. That I am doing the best I can. That I am the best mom to my boys. That my needs matter too. 

Self-care: it doesn’t have to be something we spend money on, but it can be. It doesn’t have to involve a trip to the spa, but it can. What it should do is allow us to continually find behaviours that support our mind, body and soul and encourage us to be the best versions of ourselves.

A bit about the author

Lauren Champion is a Registered Clinical Counselor at Latitude Counselling and specializes in CBT, new moms, parenting, anxiety, depression, postpartum, peri partum depression & trauma