Subway Effectiveness

When I lived in Toronto, I would often take the subway in the winter to get to the research lab I volunteered at, and would make a plan with enough time to spare. I’m not a huge fan of snow (hence my move to B.C.) and thought the subway would get me there quickly. Every once in a while, the subway would break down. I’d be stuck waiting impatiently, along with everyone else, and wonder how long it would take to get things up and running. I’d take my phone out and check the time countless times. The constant checking my phone for the time gave me the illusion of having control and a way to cope with the uncertainty of the situation. But it wasn’t very effective except for making me more irked and impatient. We all know that a watched clock never goes faster.

The mindfulness skill of being effective is focused on doing what works- doing what is needed in each situation. In this situation, being effective might have meant accepting that I would arrive when I arrived and doing things that would have left me less irked and impatient in the meantime. I don’t think anybody rolls out of bed and thinks to themselves “Today, I’m going to choose to be ineffective”. The skill of being effective can be challenging in itself  but wanting to be effective can also be very challenging. Willfulness can look like sitting on your hands when action is needed or refusing to tolerate a difficult situation- it’s the “ I don’t wanna” attitude. Being effective requires knowing what you want out of a situation so that you can choose the most effective path to meeting your goal- you can’t be effective if you don’t know what you want. It’s about staying away from “fair” and “unfair” and “should'' and “should not”, and not getting caught in the trap of wanting to be “right” instead of being effective. 

Nowadays, if I find myself taking the SkyTrain, I find ways to pay attention to the urge of pulling my phone out and signs of willfulness that come up. Not always, because it’s hard to use skills and be effective all the time. But more often than not, I will pull out a book, listen to music, or observe what’s going on around me and lo and behold, time seems to go faster.

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Melanie Adamsons is a Registered Clinical Counsellor at Latitude Counselling, and specializes in DBT, CBT and client-centred therapy