Ow, my foot.

Ow, my foot

Let’s say that I step on your foot- ow ! While my foot is pressed down on your foot, I look you in the eye and acknowledge how much pain you are in. I also apologize for the pain I’m causing you and I genuinely mean what I say.  What I don’t do is take my foot off your foot. This is one example that Linehan (the creator of DBT) makes when she emphasizes that our words need to match our actions in order to be truly validating. I would need to take my foot off your foot so that you are actually no longer in pain because otherwise- ow ow ow. 

Validation is about acknowledging the kernel of truth in another person’s experiences. It doesn’t mean that we have to agree or like what the person is doing but instead, we can try and understand some of the reasons that people have for thinking, feeling, and  behaving a certain way, given their past experiences. Validation also involves us showing the other person that they are inherently deserving of dignity and respect. 

COVID might be giving us continued opportunities to practice validating without approval or agreement. No matter your belief system when it comes to COVID, there are bound to be some strong emotions present. Over the last many years, there has been a visible increase in social divides and political polarization, where people become more likely to develop stronger negative attitudes towards those who don’t see eye to eye with them. At the core of  seemingly opposing views, there seems to be a shared concern for the well-being of self, loved ones, and larger society, amongst a considerable amount of fear and need for control. 

If you feel alarmed, disturbed, or threatened by others' behaviours it becomes a lot harder to cultivate the willingness to validate, especially if we view other people’s perspectives to be harmful or unjust. But emotion hell breaks loose when there isn’t validation and we feel blamed, shamed, or ignored. When I’m talking to someone who appears to have conflicting values on the surface, I have to work harder at being mindful. Otherwise,  I might try to argue and advance my position or think of what to say next while someone is talking, and not truly listen to what is being said. Instead, I find it helpful to become clear on what I’m specifically reacting to in what’s being said. I can also then practice recognizing when my mind drifts off so that I can return to the present moment and pay attention to what’s being said (and sometimes this can happen multiple times in a few seconds).

If the goal is to maintain a good relationship or increase the possibility of having a shared understanding, mindful validation offers us one way. It might go without saying but I do believe it’s absolutely appropriate to correct misinformation, provide another perspective, or call in/call out someone. We might want to validate first though ! Validation often sets us up to have a more effective conversation- shame can make us more resistant to change and more prone to seeing one another as enemies.

A bit about the author

Melanie Adamsons is a Registered Clinical Counsellor at Latitude Counselling, and specializes in DBT, CBT and client-centred therapy