Navigating Family Gatherings
We are entering a busy week of family dinners, staycations, and travelling to see loved ones. Thanksgiving can be a welcome time of togetherness, belonging, gratitude, and love. Yet, for many of us, it can be a stressful period of navigating broken relationships, that hard-headed family member, and those topics that have been swept under the rug only to pop up when the entire gang is around the table. Moreover, politics, the economy, healthcare, and other hot-button issues can prevent us from being present and engaging with the ones we will be around.
Here are some tips to keep your time with those closest to you as enjoyable as possible:
Check-In With Yourself
When having a conversation with a family member about something uncomfortable, check-in with how you are communicating. Be mindful your tone, volume, and cadence. Changes in the delivery of the way you communicate can indicate that things may escalate quickly. Pay close attention to any somatic changes as well. Is your heartrate increasing? Are your hands getting jittery or clammy? Do you notice your chest tightening? These physical symptoms may reflect a fight or flight response, which can impact what you say and how you say it to another. This, in turn, can quicken the quality of the conversation from being bad to worse. If you are noticing these changes, you may wish to redirect the conversation, just actively listen, or exit the conversation.
2. Set Boundaries
Boundary setting can be an effective strategy to navigate hanging out with difficult family members. In that, it can allow you to maximize your time with the ones you want to connect with, while being in the same room with the ones of whom you want less time. Consider leaving the get-together early, especially if you know things can get off-track given enough time with a particular someone. Keep conversation with difficult family members short and sweet. Or, ask the host about brainstorming seating arrangements or having a game ready to go to keep heated interactions at bay.
3. Choose Your Battles
If a contentious issue pops up in conversation, ask yourself the following questions:
Is this worth my time and contribution?
If I do offer my opinion, what will the potential outcome(s) be?
How far will I go in this disagreement and for what purpose?
How will other people be impacted by my words and other actions?
Such self-reflective questions and your answers to them can give you insight as to what topics are worth your while, and what ones you want to avoid getting into deeper depths.
4. Find a Safe Space
While “safe spaces” have been the ire of many who are not “woke”, there is a lot of benefit in finding such a place when you are feeling attacked, misunderstood, or disconnected from another. Go to another room for a break or nap. Go for a walk and call a trusted friend or another family member. Offer to help with the preparations or clean-up in the kitchen or dining room - duties that call for your attention and presence elsewhere. Safe spaces can be helpful in getting you back to normalcy and feeling grounded for the rest of the night or weekend.
The holidays can be a wonderful time of seeing your favourite cousin, hearing your grandfather’s stories of long ago, or hugging your nieces and nephews. These tips can keep your focus on just that – positive family bonding, reminiscing, and memory-making. By considering your action plan moving into the long weekend, you will build your chances for having success in interacting with everyone in the room.
Forever learning,
Duncan Keist, RCC
A bit about the author
Duncan Keist is a Registered Clinical Counsellor with Latitude Counselling specializing in CBT, Gestalt and DBT.