A Better Person

I’ve seen a few promises out there in the Google literature that mindfulness and meditation can make you a “better person”.  This idea of becoming a better person (whatever that means) involves the idea that there is something happening right now within ourselves that we need to escape from. Pema Chödrön calls this an act of “subtle aggression” against ourselves. 

It’s not to say we want to give up our ideas and goals for growth but rather, we want to find ways of befriending ourselves in the here and now. We can take a look at what’s happening right now instead of  blaming, shaming, running away, yelling or sticking our heads in the ground (ostrich style). Instead of clinging onto the storylines we tell about ourselves, others, and the world around us, we can observe ourselves and begin to see more clearly through the process. We can be enough while still needing to make certain changes.

The idea of becoming a better person can also imply there’s a final state to achieve. That we’ve made it somehow. Mindfulness/meditation is not about climbing to the top of the proverbial mountain- we climb one mountain only to peer out and realize that we have boundless mountains ahead. Pema Chödrön offers another thought for reflection when she speaks to the analogy of reaching the peak (see “Comfortable With Uncertainty”) . The goal of transcending pain can actually lead to us being disjointed and alienated from everyone else. Since we leave others behind in their pain. 

Instead, she offers this image to us. Imagine, a mountain pointed towards the earth instead of the sky. We can make the choice to walk towards our pain, alongside others, and embrace a lifetime of work- moving closer to the eye of the storm. 

Tonglen practice offers us the opportunity to move closer to the eye of the storm. This practice moves opposite to our usual tendency of avoiding pain and seeking pleasure. It asks us to be courageous and allow ourselves to feel pain so that we may soften. Tonglen practice involves us breathing in the pain and suffering of ourselves and others and breathing out compassion and goodwill. If you are actively wanting to develop compassion for yourself and the world around you, I’d invite you to find a tonglen meditation practice that speaks to you. Here is one that I like from my favourite mindfulness teacher, Pema Chödrön, Pema Chodron - Guided Tonglen practise

A bit about the author

Melanie Adamsons is a Registered Clinical Counsellor at Latitude Counselling, and specializes in DBT, CBT and client-centred therapy