Shame: A Relationship Buzzkill!
“I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.”- Brene Brown
Shame is a deep-rooted belief hidden in the parts of your subconscious and it can become a roadblock in building more profound and meaningful relationships with your partners because it can lead to (Cândea, & Szentagotai-Tătar, 2018):
Hiding your authentic selves behind masks so your partners can not discover your hidden flaws.
Protecting your "positive" self-image.
Contributing to several relationship conflicts.
Limiting your knowledge about yourself and your partners.
Keeping you from truly experiencing joy and happiness with your partners.
A constant fear of being enough for your partner.
So how do you overcome shame in a relationship?
It is a process of understanding yourself by becoming aware of your thoughts and feelings.
Below are 5 stated tips in regards to overcoming shame.
Explore your feelings: You must dig deeper into your conscious and subconscious to explore your feelings. Take a look at the mood chart and record them in your journal.
Talk about it: I know it can be daunting, but you need to address shame in your relationship and talk about your needs and fear with your partners. This enhances your relationship and creates a safe space to express yourself genuinely and be yourself.
Build self-compassion: By maintaining a self-gratitude journal and being thankful to yourself, practicing affirmations, starting to believe in yourself, and accepting yourself. At the end of the day all you have is yourself.
Validate your feelings: Stop belittling your feelings and emotions; learn to validate and acknowledge them in their proper form.
Appreciate yourself: Appreciate yourself for the courage you are showing to reveal your shame.
To conclude, it is not a smooth journey, but with the help of professional support and working on yourself you can make it through this. By addressing the shame that unconsciously guides you and your decisions that you make in your relationships.
References:
Cândea, D. M., & Szentagotai-Tătar, A. (2018). Shame-proneness, guilt-proneness and anxiety symptoms: A meta-analysis. Journal of anxiety disorders, 58, 78-106.
Willcox, G. (1982). The feeling wheel: A tool for expanding awareness of emotions and increasing spontaneity and intimacy. Transactional Analysis Journal, 12(4), 274-276.
A bit about the author
Zainab Udaipurwala is a Masters of Counselling Pschology student.